Well,

I guess it's time I should post.

I don't know what to say.

Xanga is like a deserted island in the middle of summer, where even seagulls aren't around to screech, and there isn't even an annoying lizard crawling through the sand.

Wait. I'm that lizard. I'm the only one on the island. What am I talking about?

Okay, back to reality. Rain. More rain. Water. Wet stuff. Scavenger hunts in the rain. Conjured up by Mrs. Wisdom. At Alex's birthday party. Actually, Alex's party was quite fun. We ran around like wet rats with nasty looking screeching chickens and attacked teachers with balloons. I'm serious. There were sacrificial lambs, tons of cake, lots of swedish fish, and crazy teenage girls brandishing flat irons like swords.

Stuff of a storybook,huh?

Anyway, I haven't started on any of my work. And I have a ton. About the only thing I got done was cleaning my horse's saddles and even that isn't finished. So off I go to work. In the rain. Watching Mom go crazy. Watching myself go crazy. And having fun seeing the weird stares from people who read this post.

Adios.

Pogo

Psalm 51

Have mercy upon me, O God,

According to your lovingkindness;

According to the multitude of Your

             tender mercies,

Blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,

And cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions,

And my sin is always before me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned,

And done this evil in Your sight-

That You may be found just when

             You speak,

And blameless when You judge.

Behold, I was brought forth in

             iniquity,

And in sin my mother concieved me.

Behold, You desire truth in the

            inward parts,

And in the hidden part You will make

            me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be

            clean;

Wash me, and I shall be whiter than

              snow.

Make me hear joy and gladness,

That the bones You have broken may

              rejoice.

Hide Your face from my sins,

And blot out all my iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within

            me,

Do not cast me away from Your

            presence,

And do not take Your Holy Spirit

            from me.

Restore me to the joy of Your

                    salvation,

And uphold me by Your generous

            Spirit.

Then I will teach trasgressors Your

              ways,

And sinners shall be converted to

            You.

Deliver me from the guilt of

           bloodshed, O God,

The God of my salvation,

And my tongue shall sing aloud of

             Your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

And my mouth shall show forth Your

            praise.

For You do not desire sacrifice, or

           else I would give it;

You do not delight in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken

              spirit,

A broken and contrite heart-

These, O God, You will not despise.

Do good in Your good pleasure to

             Zion;

Build the walls of Jerusalem.

Then You shall be pleased with the

              sacrifices of righteousness,

With burnt offering and whole burnt

             offering;

Then they shall offer bulls on Your

             altar.

Amen!

While I was praying, I thought that the nickname Pogo might not be a good one, since a pogo stick is unstable and hops around, never steadfast. But then God hit me. A pogo stick can only stay upright when there is Someone holding it up, or standing on it guiding it.You have to lean a pogo stick against a wall or it will fall over. This pogo stick leans on God, and God moves it.Otherwise I fall over. It's a proper fitting nickname, I believe divinely inspired. That is my name, from now on, hear?

Pogo

In desparate need of prayer....

Hello!

I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday.

My holiday is quite interesting. I really don't have any "Christmas spirit" and sometimes wish it wasn't here this year. Let's just do this next year. That's how Mom feels too, especially since we really aren't doing anything. Since our car is broke, we can't go visit family. We have no money; it's going to cost 7-800 dollars to get the car fixed, and the only reason I don't get kicked out of the stables is that David understands what bind we are in and that I help around there. I am basically working for my horse to be there. My stepdad isn't here, to be honest I'm glad, but I still feel bad. I tried to run away today because the tension between me and Mom is at its worst. It turns out, all the ways I have been growing spiritually are viewed as another "obsession" by Mom, and that I am a hypocrite, and that I treat the faith thing like magic. God did sow a seed in Mom's heart, but Satan took it away. We prayed about the car to be fixed, and Mom saw my faith. I did really have it. But today, Mom voiced her opinions on it. She said that I have become a fanatic, treating the things of God like magic, and that I'm judging her and trying to tell HER how to cope when I can't even cope myself.

I've given up on not sinning. My language is really bad; I have a foul mouth. My imaginings in my mind are perverted and evil, and I have no self control. I'm overeating, lazy, rude, disobedient. But nobody understands. It's all my fault; I NEVER help out around the house, do I? Nobody ever realizes when I do, because nothing can appease that debt that I owe to my family for all the things that they have given to me, right? THEY don't do any wrong, after all, THEY provide for me, THEY give me NICE things so I can have an opportunity. HOW DARE I ever say that they have done any wrong. HOW DARE I say that they don't understand. You know, sometimes I wish something really bad would happen to me so that I could actually be understood by people. Like rape or something. If that happened, I wouldn't be judged for being upset. I confess, I do crave attention, not condemnation. That's all this family is about.

Mom and Dad almost decided to have me go back and live with Dad in New Mexico. Mom would sell my horse, and I would go to school there. I told them if they did that they would never see me again. I mean it too. I WILL run away if they EVER try that! I DON'T CARE! I'm sick of all this. It never get's better, I am misunderstood, unloved, surrounded by selfish people, (I'm selfish too). I don't care what you guys think about this post. It's the truth. I can say this because the only people on here are my close friends.

I hate Christmas when it's like this. I hate having to live like this. I got so angry I had a strange desire to hurt myself. I imagine it in my head, what it would be like, to be injured and at the point of death. Believe it or not, they are comforting thoughts. I get so angry these days. I HATE THIS.

The worst thing is, I don't know what to do. NOTHING WORKS. I went to Christ this fall, and tried to make things better at home. But my faith got slapped in the face. How would you feel if your family condemned you for doing what was right? How would you feel if you mother yelled at you saying you judge people to much when you just said you didn't want to watch a movie because it had sex in it? How would you feel if your failing efforts be be righteous and holy in this insane hellish world were met by your "family" with anger, yelling, cursing, fighting, accusing, and humilitation. I don't want anyone EVER saying to me that there are people who have it worse out there. I DONT CARE. Sometimes, when I play my mind games to help me cope, I wonder if I have a demon and am going crazy. I know that demons torment me night and day. Sometimes I think I have almost seen them, out of the corner of my eye, like a sudden dark shadow that dissapears when you try to look. I have lost it.

I HATE my life! Right now, I feel so angry I just want to go and destroy something. I HATE IT! This life that I am living in feels so awful that I don't know who to explain it. I want to lie bleeding on the ground.That would almost feel better than all of this. I cant describe it, my anger. Reject me for all I care! This is how I feel. I don't care how dangerous feelings are. This is it. Take it, leave it. This is me guys.

I miss God. I want so bad to come back to Him. I'm afraid of my words. But what will make this better? All the problems run deeper than I thought. Much too deep. I know God can fix all of this. I need help. I'm afraid, so very afraid. And miserable. But are my prayers just giving me an emotional high? Or are they really helpful? Do I have real faith? Do I really love God, or do I just think I do? I don't like what's in my heart, but its so much easier to run away from God sometimes. But I desparately want to come back. I don't want to reject Him. I NEVER WILL. But is running away from Him for the moment rejecting Him forever? I'm so scared. The only thing that can help me now is God, if He changes my heart. I know He will. He won't leave a work unfinished. But I'm still so scared.

Guys, what if I go to hell? What if I have been fooling myself? Or is this just a Christian losing the battle because I'm not trusting God? I don't want hell. I don't want any of this misery. Oh help.

Guys, these words that I'm speaking, they come from somewhere. The things that happen, these aren't just surface level problems. All of this is deep, really deep. Which is what makes it all the harder.

Pogo

Calling the Faithful...

 God is speaking to me. He told me to write this on my xanga, and tell it to people that I know. Those that are faithful, I mean.

By definition, faithful is anyone who loves God, and is trying to be like Christ. They are living for Him, not for the world, and are decidedly different from those who do not really love God, and are not trying to be like Christ. The faithful are sanctified. I know numerous ones, but I will not name names.

Faithful, God is calling us.

He showed me a passage in the Bible; Jeremiah 15. You see, America is not a Christian nation. They do not seek Christ. They hate Christians, kill babies, are self-seeking, sinful, carnal. The Church is also fallen into this trap. They are blind, selfish, neutral, lukewarm, and prideful. They don't strive to be like Christ, but rather envy those who are children of Satan.

Yes, there are the faithful, who don't do this. We are different from unfaithful Christians, who are described above.

We have to rally together. A house divided cannot stand. I believe America is crumbling, and the Church is going to be hurt. The Church itself is divided, but God spoke to me and told me the faithful never will be. We are indivisible. God has put it on my heart, and told me my purpose, to go wake up the unfaithful in our Churches. With blind, carnal Christians in our Churches, our witness is killed. The leading cause of athiests are Christians who aren't like Christ. Likewise, the leading cause of athiests-turned-Christians are Christians who are like Christ.

He pointed out a certain verse to tell you:
"If you return,then I will bring you back; you shall stand before Me; if you take out the precious from the vile, you shall be as my mouth. Let them return to you, but you must not return to them. And I will make you to this people a fortified bronze wall; and they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail against you; for I am with you to save you and deliver you," says the Lord. "I will deliver you from the hand of the wicked, and I will redeem you from the grip of the terrible."

Let me go through these verses.

1. We, (the faithful) must repent of sin and "take out the precious from the vile" i.e. become like Christ. God does this as we heed the Holy Spirit and obey Him in faith. Once we are walking sinless, then Christ can use us as His mouth. By sinless I don't mean that we don't slip up every once in a while, but we aim to be like Christ, perfect, without spot and blameless. ALL Christians are cabable of doing that. Right here, right now. We don't have to wait until we don't ever sin at all, we just have to walk Spirit-filled, confessing sin and striving not to sin.

2. We must let the unfaithful become faithful, the unsaved become saved, but we MUST NOT ever become like the unfaithful. We must ALWAYS be like Christ. We must always be SET APART, HOLY.

3. And God will not let Satan prevail; We have the Lord God ALMIGHTY on our side, who controls even what Satan can do.

Faithful, this is what we need to do. Without it we cannot fulfill the Great Commission.

God Bless,

Pogo

Sorry Guys...

I have had virtually nothing to say on here for three months.

Oh yes, LOTS of things have been going on, but I just don't feel the need to put it up here any more. But I guess now I do.Though I don't know what I'm going to say...

OH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who know my family situation, PRAISE GOD! The Holy Spirit is moving upon my mother, and she is seeking Him now and coming back to Him. PRAISE THE LORD GOD!

Oh, and also, something happened the last day of school. Mom's car broke down. I had to stay after school for an hour and a half. But Mr. Friesenhahn offered to drive me home. So he did. We almost wrecked. It was great!He is so hilarious. Oh, by the way, it was my fault we almost wrecked. I didn't tell him to turn in time...... He really is a good driver. Honest.

And now, some equine-ness for the finale of my most recent entry:

The look on this horse's face sums up all the feelings that equines hold toward baths. He's so adorable!

This is how long I am trying to grow my own horse's mane.She's about halfway there.

This is a horse from the Spanish Riding School in Austria. I'm sorry but I think these creatures are gorgeous! He's actually doing a dressage movement called the levade, where the horse "rears" up, but only a few feet from the ground. The closer to the ground the horse's tucked-up legs are the  stronger the horse. This one's pretty strong!

Here's another example of how long Lil' Bit's mane will be SOMEDAY.

                                                         God Bless!

                                                                          Pogo

P.S. I really like that nickname.